iCon. RiP

Like A Stone

On a cobweb afternoon in a room full of emptiness
By a freeway I confess I was lost in the pages
Of a book full of death
Reading I will die alone
And if we're good we'll lay to rest
Anywhere we want to go

In your house I long to be
Room by room patiently
I'll wait for you there like a stone
I'll wait for you there alone

On my deathbed I will pray to the gods and the angels
Like a pagan to anyone who will take me to heaven
To a place I recall
I was there so long ago
The sky was bruised, the wine was bled
And there you led me on

In your house I long to be
Room by room patiently
I'll wait for you there like a stone
I'll wait for you there alone
Alone

And on I read until the day was gone
And I sat in regret of all the things I've done
For all that I've blessed and all that I've wronged
In dreams until my death I will wander on

In your house I long to be
Room by room patiently
I'll wait for you there like a stone
I'll wait for you there alone
Alone
Alone

Once more with feeling...

Yep.  You guessed it!  It's that time of year one more time.  

Here's the thing.  I wasn't even thinking about it really.  I didn't have much going on.  No party planned.  There was talk of doing a Dr. Who extravaganza but nothing really came of it.  No one is coming to visit.  Nothing is scheduled.  So, essentially it crossed my mind, maybe once or twice, like is should look around and make sure there was no enemy approaching.  I did and nothing.  Then BAM.  Smacked right upside the head.  When will I learn?  I should just go away the week surrounding that day.  All alone.  Maybe a TV and a couple of books.  It seems, if I'm alone, then there is less likely for something to go and ruin or taint the day.

I mean other than the prep for the surgery last year, that was one of the best birthday's I'd had in YEARS!  Wrong, yes?  True, though.  How I wish to be in a semi private hospital room with a barfing roommate.  Sounds like heaven right about now.

"Hows your pain level?"
"Through the roof."
"OK.  We'll take care of that."
"Thank you so much."

Today is a bad day.  Really, bad, fucking day.  At least now I have a plan with contingencies built in.  I've got a death grip on that like you wouldn't believe.

So, here's to the plan.  May it fucking work.

Some may find this post offensive. You've been warned.

 Dear God,
Let me get this straight.  I got tired of all your bullshit, and looking over my shoulder and broke up with you.  Since you couldn't hurt me, you go after those close to me?  My family?  My pets?  Have I got this right?  You know what?  You're an asshole and a fucking coward!

Signed,
The Bitch Who Hates You

Help, please?

I have something big coming up tomorrow.  Really big.  Really, really big!  Super important!  No joke.  So I am here, hat in hand, asking for well wishes, positive vibes, prayers, good thoughts, charms, spells.  Whatever you have to give, I need it.  If you wouldn't mind.  Please.   Thank you!

Pinocchio

I am not one to jump into a rant, but I am tired, tired, tired of all the shenanigans, lies and accusations being hurled in my breathing space.  It surprises me the lengths people will go to, to be perceived as the victim.

You either post blogs, send emails, or “speak online” to people, all to spread the word of “poor me”.  If that’s not enough, please, let’s also make sure that you make unrealistic requests then manipulate them to elevate your sad, misunderstood, “poor me” circumstance.  You constructed a reality around you that bares no resemblance to actual reality, and I bet if I called you on your lies and backed you into a corner, you would get defensive and spew sewage and try to turn the tables to make me/us/them look we are the ones committing the wrong doing.  Give it up.  No one is falling for it, except for maybe the poor sap that I will address later.

I guess it shouldn’t surprise me your loyalty is shit.  When I/us/them asked you to keep something to yourself, not only did you tell everyone, but are probably embellishing it to make me/us/them look worse.  I also have a sneaking suspicion all your “medical issues” are either made up or in your head to serve as a convenient excuse as to your behavior.  I am looking forward to the day when you cannot keep track of all your lies.  I’m sure you’ll blame me/us/them for your inability.

It would also stand to reason you don’t realize you come across as a sociopathic or professional liar.  I’m not sure which one.  A sociopath is typically charismatic, manipulative, self-centered, goal oriented liar who does it in order to get their way with out concern for others.  Professional liars on the other hand, are really completely tuned in to the process of lying. Professional liars are sleek, cunning in the way they present their lies, and they are often extremely calculative in their approach.  You can see my perplexity; they are very similar.  I bet there’s a crossover.  Of course, if you want to add a third to the mix, look at the pathological liars, they have a melodramatic or even a narcissistic personality disorder.  That fits, too.  So, you pick which one you would rather be.  All options suck if you ask me, but try to find the lesser of the three evils that you can live with.  Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Now, let’s take a moment to touch on the poor saps you have hoodwinked into following and believing you.  My bet is that they are “damaged” somehow.  It would make them easy prey.  To them I say, “You have instincts, use them!”  Hopefully they will learn to think for themselves and fact check, maybe look at all sides of the situation as well.  I know it sucks to find out your friend is one of these liars and your pretty little pink bubble would burst, but hey, with any luck, you still have your bank account intact.  Might I suggest you ask for hard evidence (that would be something you can actually see, not something they tell you).  I’m sure it is the nemesis of the sociopathic/professional/pathological liar.  It would make me really happy to see that squirmy dance.

Just so we are clear, I have some rules I am going to need all liars to follow:

1. If you are a liar, pipe down. I/us/them don’t want to hear it.
2. You are not allowed to argue that you are not a liar. Me/us/them all know you are, so see item number 1.
3. You are not allowed to argue that you hang around with other liars therefore you are not responsible for your lying behavior.  Man up or shut up.
4. I do not care how challenging your life is.  Lying about it does not help you or anyone else.  Besides, I guarantee, if you stepped outside and looked around there is someone who is worse off than you and not lying about it.
5. I do not care where you live.  If your town is boring and you feel the need to lie to entertain yourself, move.
6. You also do not get to lie about anyone else.  If you must lie, and really, you don’t need to unless you have a gun pointed to your head, and then I would have to weigh the options, only lie about yourself.  You don’t think I/us/them know when you are lying about us?  You don’t think that shit gets back to me/us/them?  You are truly delusional.  I wonder what type of liar that symptom falls under.
7. I will have to use a quote for this one. “If you do any of the above, individually or severally, when the Internets call you out for being clueless, entitled, ignorant and an embarrassment as a human being — and they will — you will not then complain how your words were misunderstood and/or taken out of context and/or that people missed the real point of your argument.” ~John Scalzi~
8. The above rule applies equally to anyone defending the right of those who lie.
9. Finally and most importantly, stay away from me.  You are a waste of time and I have more than enough to do in my life than to worry about what bullshit your dumb lying ass is spreading.

These rules are effective immediately, please enforce.

Your paranoia (also a sociopathic symptom) is right.  If you think I am talking to you, I am.


...and I did it to myself!

I joined a different gym and was excited to learn they had classes.  My last gym didn't.  Hell, they didn't even have air conditioning, they will be fired tomorrow.  So I roll in for the 5:00 P.M. class, here is how it went.

5:00  -  Naively optomistic
5:03 -  Wow this is fun!
5:06 -  Geeze!  This is a Great work out!
5:10 - It's only been 10 minutes?  ~worry sets in~
5:15 - Holy cow!  45 more minutes of this
5:19 - Instructor yelling at us to "CHAKE IT!  CHAKE IT!" (Translation: Shake it! Shake it!)
5:25 - What are the symptoms of your lungs exploding?
5:27 - I think it feels like this.
5:30 - Are those my lungs lying there?
5:37 - No that is not apathy on my face, it's a death mask.
5:45 -  Oh thank God, only 15 more minutes of this.
5:45:20 - Jesus Christ!  There is 15 more minutes of this.
5:55 -  We enter the cool down phase which should include, oxygen, stretchers and a drip IV.

6:05 - Get ambushed bye the gym staff. 
"Have a good workout?"
"Yes thank you."
"What did you do?"
"Took the Zumba class."
"Is that all you do here?"
"No, I just joined Saturday."
"Have you done your free orientation yet?"
"Is that the tour?"
"No, one of the trainers shows you how to use all the equipment."
"No." My muscles begin to quiver.
"Well let's set you up!"
Clearly he has not taken the Zumba class or he wouldn't be asking me this.  But since my head is all full of Wrackspurts I agree to go in at 4:00 tomorrow and learn how to use the equipment.  Last time I did that, I couldn't move for a week.  I did this to myself...

I chose the picture because it reminded my of a chalk body outline.

See?

The countdown starts...

Add one more day for my birfday...at least I get to legally spend it on drugs!

Picture Perfect

The nice thing about walking is the scenery.  I mean, I generally walk the same path change it up a little but depending on the weather and animals, things change.  Here are some pictures from my walk the last couple of days. 

I got two new cameras for Christmas.  The one I took these pictures with is a Samsung TL220.  Small little point and shoot.  Takes pretty good pics, no?

The second one I got was a Nikon D5000.  I. LOVE. MY. CAMERA!  It allows you to change lenses!  So now I'm hoping to get new lenses for it.  I want a telephoto.  I think it would be fun to take those out door shots with it.

 


OK.  That's all I got.  Well it's not, but I'm tired.  We'll talk more later...

And just becuase...

 

Yum.

TOLD YOU SO! ( a continuation of It's my pity party and I'll whine if I want to)

Today's phone conversation with my dr's office:

Me: Hi.  I would like to schedule surgery.

Nurse: OK.  Let me pull your chart.  When would you like to do it?

Me:  As soon as possible.  But preferably not on my birthday. (I joke, laughing)

Nurse:  OK.  Let's see...oh...um.  Oh.

Me: What.

Nurse:  The date we have available is February 9th.  Your birthday.

Me: (I laugh becuase what else can you do) Figures.

I will go in and discuss it with them on Friday...but if it does go down like that, consider yourself warned!

I WANT LOTS AND LOTS OF SYMPATHY BIRTHDAY PRESENTS!!

It's my pity party, I'll whine if I want to!

I was watching an episode of Grey’s Anatomy.  It’s the one where Meredith has appendicitis.  She is high as a freaking kite on morphine, headed into surgery where they were gonna cut her open and remove a piece of her insides.  I mean think about it, really, take a moment.  Remove. Body. Parts.  It’s serious business, the risk for infection, something going wrong, bad surgeons, reaction to drugs.  Surgery is no joke.
And all I could thing was, “Man!  She is soooooooo lucky!  She’s on morphine and feels NOTHING!  Surgery is so worth it.  I wish I were her.”

Yep.  It's that time again.  Coming up on that evil day.  Always causes anxiety, fear and aprehenson.  Why?  I think the day is cursed.  I'm not even sure what I did to incur this kind of karma.  If you know, maybe you could clue me in so I can start to make amends.

I know what you're thinking.  "Your getting all worked up for nothing.  It's still a bit away."  And yet, it has already started.  There are already feelings of neglect and disintrest.  So, on one hand the thoughts run to, why bother?  If it's that much trouble don't worry about it.  Which has very damaging consequences.  On the other hand, let it roll and harbor feelings of resentment which has it's own damaging outcome.  I don't know.  I suppose I should speak up, but it would be a coin toss as to how that would go.  I'd have to wait, too.  Why?  Because I can't think of a nice way to say what's on my mind.  It all sounds venomous.  Not a good way to open a dialog.

I never thought I would be this age and be in the situation I am now.  (Those of you who know, know.  Sorry for the cryptic, this issue is not for popular consumption)  It hurts.  It's devastating and I feel broken.  You'd think that a mile stone birthday would be something to celebrate.  Something to care enough about to put effort into.  I guess not.   Thanks. 

I guess I'll go find my therapists phone number, I'm thinking I'm gonna need a few hundred sessions to work this out.

And we're walking, we're walking...

Some pictures from when I walk.

Fresh!

Start fresh. Remember, you haven't messed
anything up in 2010.

(Unless you work really fast.)

You haven't made mistakes, you have no regrets.
It's a clean slate to do with what you please.

2010

Well, Happy New Year everyone!  I hope everyone had a great holiday season.  Ours was nice.  Turkey day spent up in Washington with the cousins.  They taught me how to shoot guns.  How much fun was that?  More fun than decent people oughta have!

Christmas was spent here at our new house.  Something like 12 people showed for dinner.  I was really  touched.  I figured on a few would come.  Made me feel good.

New Year's was spend home.  Quiet.  Made split pea and ham soup for dinner watched a movie.  Barely made it up to midnight.  So lame.  LOL.  New Year's Day, I mostly slept.  I didn't sleep very well when I finally did go to bed. I made black-eyed peas for dinner. I'd never had them before let alone made them.  They were very tasty! 

All the kitties are good.  Eight continues to escape, but she comes back so I'm less stressed over it. 

I'm gonna get a camera for Christmas.  Yes I know it has already passed but, The Man and I always get our gifts later.  Less stress that way.  I may go tomorrow.  The man is getting a surround sound system with a Blue-Ray player. 

Oh, turns out the two trees that are producing in the back yard are Lemon and Tangerine.  Who knew?  Clearly not me.  I bought a juicer so I could juice the lemons and freeze them.  I don't know WHAT to do about the Tangerines.  Want some?

Still haven't found a job, hopefully something cool will come soon.

I've managed to go a whole nine months with out surgery!  Yay me!!

SOUNDGARDEN IS GETTING BACK TOGETHER!!!!

Did anyone make any goals for the year?  Resolutions?  Wishes?  I'd like to hear them!!!

That's all I got for now. 

You like me! You really, really like me...or...

...they are just really hungry. I invited 10 people for Holiday dinner Friday, thinking only about half would come. Usually how it works. They all said yes. I don't have that many matching place settings lol! My table isn't that big! I'll have to pull out the card tables. I hope they like rustic!

Menu

Appetizers
Little Smokies in BBQ Sauce (why? I was hungry when I went shopping.)
Baked Brie with Chutney
Chips and Dip

Main
Horseradish Crusted 10 Pound Rib Roast
Yummy Potatoes (Thank you Sarah)
Yorkshire Pudding either plain or bacon and chives
Green Beans Sauteed with Bacon (and other herbs or something...still deciding)
Roasted Carrots and Parsnips
Rolls

Dessert
Various Pies (like 3 or 4 - Thanks Timmy)
Homemade Cheesecake for Kate

I need staff...

Oh, and...
Dear Santa,
I need a few things for my new house.  One of them is a couch.  I'd like this one with all the accessories.  Thank you in advance for your anticipated generosity!

Nicbeast

SHE'S HOME!!

Eight is back!  Too happy for words!

"Eight" Missing

This is my cat "Eight".  Microchip number: 4A7F205A18

She is an 18 month old Calico (or Tortise) depending on who you ask.

She went missing Saturday night, November 28, 2009 from 9th Street in Gilroy, CA.

We just moved to the area and she is not familiar with the neighborhood.

This is Eight with her sister "Six".

(no we don't name all our animals after numbers ;-) )

Six is wandering around the house and back yard "calling" for her.  It's shattering my already broken heart.

If you see them please contact me.

408-835-0451 cell

nicbeast@gmail.com

Thank you for helping us find our kitty!

http://sfbay.craigslist.org/sby/laf/1487250001.html

Fuck You!

If everyone is so hot to get away from me, then get the fuck out. Fuck. Them. All. Fuck everyone, dumb shit mother fuckers. And just so we are clear, I am NOT you fucking emotional punching bag, dumb fuck!

Delinquent Letter

I've been meaning to write this letter for months now. 

Mr. J. J. Abrams

c/o William Morris Endeavor Entertainment
(Talent and Literary Agency)
9601 Wilshire Blvd.
3rd Floor
Beverly Hills, CA 90210
USA

Dear Mr. Abrams,

I'ma need you to cease and desist all other entertainment endeavors and concentrate solely on making more Star Trek movies.

Thank you in advance for you anticipated cooperation.

Sincerely,

Nicbeast

HOME SWEET HOME

Ladies and gentlemen, 

the hunt is over!!

Our New Home!

Beds:  4

Baths:  2.5

Sq. Ft.: 2918

Lot Size:  7000 Sq. Ft.

Stories:  2

A LOT OF HOME, live in a home with room to spare. 4 bedrooms, 2.5 baths, large game room separate living and dining room, family room and eat-in kitchen. tile flooring, indoor laundry and large backyard (with fruit trees!!!). All set in an established neighborhood with tree lined streets.

Cleaning, painting and moving start tomorrow! 

All are welcome to help!! *cheesy grin*