Like A Stone

On a cobweb afternoon in a room full of emptiness
By a freeway I confess I was lost in the pages
Of a book full of death
Reading I will die alone
And if we're good we'll lay to rest
Anywhere we want to go

In your house I long to be
Room by room patiently
I'll wait for you there like a stone
I'll wait for you there alone

On my deathbed I will pray to the gods and the angels
Like a pagan to anyone who will take me to heaven
To a place I recall
I was there so long ago
The sky was bruised, the wine was bled
And there you led me on

In your house I long to be
Room by room patiently
I'll wait for you there like a stone
I'll wait for you there alone
Alone

And on I read until the day was gone
And I sat in regret of all the things I've done
For all that I've blessed and all that I've wronged
In dreams until my death I will wander on

In your house I long to be
Room by room patiently
I'll wait for you there like a stone
I'll wait for you there alone
Alone
Alone

Once more with feeling...

Yep.  You guessed it!  It's that time of year one more time.  

Here's the thing.  I wasn't even thinking about it really.  I didn't have much going on.  No party planned.  There was talk of doing a Dr. Who extravaganza but nothing really came of it.  No one is coming to visit.  Nothing is scheduled.  So, essentially it crossed my mind, maybe once or twice, like is should look around and make sure there was no enemy approaching.  I did and nothing.  Then BAM.  Smacked right upside the head.  When will I learn?  I should just go away the week surrounding that day.  All alone.  Maybe a TV and a couple of books.  It seems, if I'm alone, then there is less likely for something to go and ruin or taint the day.

I mean other than the prep for the surgery last year, that was one of the best birthday's I'd had in YEARS!  Wrong, yes?  True, though.  How I wish to be in a semi private hospital room with a barfing roommate.  Sounds like heaven right about now.

"Hows your pain level?"
"Through the roof."
"OK.  We'll take care of that."
"Thank you so much."

Today is a bad day.  Really, bad, fucking day.  At least now I have a plan with contingencies built in.  I've got a death grip on that like you wouldn't believe.

So, here's to the plan.  May it fucking work.

Some may find this post offensive. You've been warned.

 Dear God,
Let me get this straight.  I got tired of all your bullshit, and looking over my shoulder and broke up with you.  Since you couldn't hurt me, you go after those close to me?  My family?  My pets?  Have I got this right?  You know what?  You're an asshole and a fucking coward!

Signed,
The Bitch Who Hates You

You like me! You really, really like me...or...

...they are just really hungry. I invited 10 people for Holiday dinner Friday, thinking only about half would come. Usually how it works. They all said yes. I don't have that many matching place settings lol! My table isn't that big! I'll have to pull out the card tables. I hope they like rustic!

Menu

Appetizers
Little Smokies in BBQ Sauce (why? I was hungry when I went shopping.)
Baked Brie with Chutney
Chips and Dip

Main
Horseradish Crusted 10 Pound Rib Roast
Yummy Potatoes (Thank you Sarah)
Yorkshire Pudding either plain or bacon and chives
Green Beans Sauteed with Bacon (and other herbs or something...still deciding)
Roasted Carrots and Parsnips
Rolls

Dessert
Various Pies (like 3 or 4 - Thanks Timmy)
Homemade Cheesecake for Kate

I need staff...

Oh, and...
Dear Santa,
I need a few things for my new house.  One of them is a couch.  I'd like this one with all the accessories.  Thank you in advance for your anticipated generosity!

Nicbeast

Brand New Day

I know I've been absent mostly from my blog, but I've had to be. I'm happy to say, in a few weeks if all goes well, that will change. Things seem to finally be drifting in my favor for a change *knocks on wood*.

With that in mind, I think maybe I'll make some resolutions. Well not resolutions, but take some ideas I have and implement them. Make my life more of what I want it to be, or at least, do more of the things I want to do. I'm afraid this may upset some, but if they can't understand that it's time for me to take care my business, then I'll be sad but I'll move on.




What else is new? River of Death.



Yep it's that time again. We are leaving Sunday. We will be camping for the Whole. Damn. Week. Well, we'll break it up here and there with a motel or B&B. I mean how many times do I have to say it...IN-FREAKING-DOOR GIRL! Honestly, I don't even need that much. Shower, bathroom, power, Internet access...I can even do with out the latter if I have my iPhone to keep an eye on stuff.

The new Harry Potter comes out while we are up there. I made it known under no uncertain terms I WILL BE GOING TO SEE THAT. No questions, no discussions. I am NOT playin'.


In other news, I got my AA ...



and people made me walk. So embarrassing. I also discovered I'm 2 semesters away from my BA. So I think that will be coming up on the game plan. Maybe while up at the R.O.D. I can figure out what's what.

For now, I think that's it.

Oh, did I tell you I had a fabulous dream that I was making out with Wentworth? Yum.

It's that time of year again.

I hate this time of year. You know, birthday time. It scares me. I've said before, my birthdays tend to be bad. I remember when they used to be fun and good and then around, oh I don't know '95 they started to go down hill. The first bad one being everyone forgot. I was Molly Ringwald. It was awful. Only I didn't get the cute guy at the end. Since then I can probably count the number of good birthday's I've had on one hand. You know the ones that leave you feeling happy for a couple days. Now I just hope for not bad and I'm ahead of the game.

Well, I was getting excited about this year. Family coming out, all taking a road trip to have a party and bam. That's what I get for getting my hopes up. I guess there is still time for things to get better, but it's like, now it's already tainted. I know I'm quick to emotion and probaby it's not that bad but I do feel bad. Very bad. So what to do...

I guess use the power of positive thinking. Believe it will be ok, keep saying it will be ok and it will. I can give it a try, but at this point I don't have much faith in it. I surely would do what ever it took to make things better, but I don't know what that is and no one is offering the answer. It's one of those times where you can't seem to do anything right.

So, I'll try to keep from slipping into that dark room again, but I feel its pull. Maybe it's a push. All the things going on in my life that I juggle start to get heavy and weigh me down. People look at me or talk with me and say things like, "Geeze you're going through so much." What choice do I have. I tell people, "If I stop to think about it, I'd curl up fetal and drool." These past couple of days I feel like doing just that.

Remember this one?

CALL ME BUTTER, I'M ON A ROLL!!!

Now, I have a few words to say about the holidays... They make me grumpy!! I know there is supposed to be all this good will and love and blah blah blah but I think a lot of it is bullshit. I think most of it is about jocking for position. People plan for holidays who will be where and when and all. I think it is a power play. I don't think they really CARE where the holiday is spent, it is just about telling people what to do where to go and when. If people actually cared about their loved ones, they would say things like, "How is you life right now? Would it be easier if we came to you or you came to us? Or do you have any better ideas?" But no they just call you and say meet at so and so's house and bring the side dishes! (edit: or in my case the main dish and all the side dishes!) I know the ones who are sincere and I know who is just trying to be the "Alpha". Well fuck them all! This year I AM THE GOD DAMN ALPHA! WE WILL DO WHAT THE HELL I. SAY. DO! Fucking Deal With It!

Try it! Just try it, fucker! I dare you!

Ah, the memories...nothing has changed.

Fools are still trying to control shit. Too fucking bad!!

I, NICBEAST, being of (reasonably) sound mind,

AM TAKING CHRISTMAS BACK!!

That's right! Ya herrd me! I'M TAKING CHRISTMAS BACK!!

Will it be a refugee Christmas? Maybe. We'll see who needs somewhere to go. Will I be cookin' like a mad woman? Damn right I will!! In MY house!! What's on the menu? Well, don't know fo' sho'. What I DO know is there is a 7.25# rib roast waiting to meet its fate along with a 8.6# ham. The rest, I'll figure later! NO ONE will be hungry! I guaran-damn-tee that!!

Merry Fucking Christmas, Bioch!!

Vrooom!

I don't know why, I should be used to it by now, but I'm amazed at how quickly Depression strikes. It goes from 0 to 60 in nothing flat. Not too surprising. What is surprising is how quickly it goes from 60 to suggesting you turn the wheel toward the cliff.

*sigh*

Don't mind me. I'm just indulging my own selfish nature. I'll get over it.

Wedding Update

Drinks. Piano Bar. Leggo's. That's all I have to say about that.

Wedding Weekend

This weekend I am going to a wedding. Well not just going to a wedding, I'm a bridesmaid! So, hence the need for the new shoes to go with the dress! Woot!

TOMORROW...

Mani-Pedi-Wax! Yay me!! I'm not doing the BIG wax, just the brows and such.

The festivities start Friday. Rehearsal, then dinner. Then Saturday, I guess we all get together and we make favors or decorate or something. Not sure. I'm just gonna go where the bride tells me. Then there is hair and makeup. Believe you me, hair needs a lot of work. Poor woman. She's got her work cut out for her. I'm actually quite freaked out about the hair. My hair...needs help. It's having issues. I don't want to go into it...it bothers me way too much. Anywho...

It should be a wonderful day. I'll let you all know how it turns out. Will I post pictures? Maybe. We'll see.

Oh and a bit of fun!

Nicbeast's Random Movie Quote: 'I find your lack of faith disturbing.' - Darth Vader, Star Wars Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

I hate it when...

You go into the freezer to get your peach sorbet and someone has eaten it! I mean, how rude and inconsiderate and disrespectful. Could you ate least tell me you have taken the last of things? How many times have we HAD this conversation!! Geeze!

I bet Wentworth would never do that.



Mmmmmmmm...Wentworth...

I'm a Selfish Bitch

There must be something in pattern of the people I pick as friends. A majority of them surprise me in their response to my moods. I don’t know if I’m really selfish, which I don’t feel I am, or I am really needy, which, I have to admit wouldn’t surprise me with all that’s going on in my life right now. But, it seems that I am not allowed to have a bad day. If I do, people seem put out by it, like it inconveniences them. Inside I want to scream, “IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU!” I have needs. I have bad days. I’m sorry I can’t attend to your wants right now, but I have to take care of my self for a minute. I’m sorry if I’m slow to understand what you’re saying, I realize I’m not the brightest bulb in the pack, but I am trying to process a lot of information. I admit to not being at my best at the moment, but can you cut me a break, I’m doing the best I can. But, I’ll say nothing. Which is wrong I know. Maybe I’ll say something later when I’m not so upset and hurt, then again maybe not.


UPDATE:

Not only am I a selfish bitch, but I am also a liar. Am I lying about being a selfish bitch. I don't think so, but maybe I'm pathological. And people wonder why drug companies make antidepressants.

That will teach me to get my hopes up and allow myself to feel a little happiness. It's just not allowed apparently.

Powered by ScribeFire.

Happy New Year!!!!

I've been doing some thinking today. About what you ask? Well, I'll tell you. About the upcoming year. When I was 13 years old, I made a New Year's Resolution to never make another New Year's Resolution. It's the only one I have ever kept. EVER.

I think Resolution is too strong a word; too absolute. It's like the difference between Idea and Belief. You can change an idea, but it's harder to change a belief. (Yes I know I stole that...back off!)

Sometimes life gets in the way of resolutions. Then, at the end of the year when you look back at your life, you have a feeling of failure when you didn't keep your resolutions. Who needs that? Life is hard enough as it is.

So I propose, instead of a New Year's Resolution, to have a New Year's Hope. What do you think? I'll get you started, here are a few of my hopes for the upcoming year, in no particular order.

• I hope to improve my overall health. (Look at those abs...mercy)
  

• I hope to get rid of some particular medical issues.
• I hope other medical endeavors stick around.
• I hope to get more organized. (Stop laughing!)

• I hope to better manage my time. (I SAID stop LAUGHING)

• I hope to be more creative.

• I hope to not have to find another job, but if I do, it's one I will enjoy.
• I hope justice prevails. (Fucktards)
  
• I hope my friends and family are happy and healthy.
• I hope to meet more of my online friends, and see the others I have met again.

• I hope to meet Wentworth Miller. (You knew that would be in there!)

• I'd like to get better at knitting and crocheting.

• I would like to go back to school.

Ok, so that's a lot, but what does it matter? The weren't resolutions, just hopes and wishes.

So, what are your hopes and wishes? Leave me a comment!

One last one. I hope and wish the new year bring you all your hopes and wishes.

Ideal Life

EDIT: This was an "assignment" someone had given me. I would not normally write about this kind of thing. ...carry on...

Ideal Life

I’m sure many people have a concept of their ideal life. It would include fame, fortune, travel and servants. This is not an ideal life this is an ideal fantasy. I have those too. Of course, they would include all of those things and some hunky men too. That’s fantasy though.

My ideal life would contain things I think most people would say are reasonable. I’d like for the people I love to be healthy and happy, myself included. I want those same people to have what they need, be it support, food or medical care. I want them to get the same treatment if their name is Smith or Bush. I want a job that won’t send me into a nervous break down and the chance to follow my interests. I don’t think that is too much to ask.

I’ve managed to find my partner in life. He’s not perfect, but I believe he is perfect for me. We fight, as couples do. We love and we laugh. When things get hard, we hold on to each other for dear life. We have had some struggles that could prove to be catastrophic to a marriage. Problems, that you can easily see, how they would tear you apart. I am so blessed, that instead of ending our lives together, we grew closer. It’s a miracle. Of that, I have no doubt. We stood together when we spent day after day in doctor’s offices, failure after failure. We held hands while medications took me on emotional roller coaster rides. He stood and took my craziness when I couldn’t control it. He loved me while I was falling apart physically and emotionally. Who does that? Someone who loves you, that’s who.

It’s not only been he and I who have suffered lately. We’ve had deaths that I hate to say, I believe, could have been prevented with proper medical care. If they had had, the means to pay for the services that only the elite seem to be privy too. I find it hard to believe that the member of some “notable’s” family would have passed away or their life as they knew it ruined due to lack of health care options and mistakes. Don’t worry, I will not climb, in this piece, on that political soapbox.

I think it’s fair to say, most of us work to live, not live to work. We go to a job we can do to earn money, to live a life, as best we can. I think many of us, myself included are in or have been in jobs that are or were slowly killing us. The jobs cause stress, aggravation, and insufficient compensation for the work we do. There is no appreciation but there is an unhealthy work environment. I think at one time or another we have all fallen victim to at least one if not all of these. The thing is, your body will stop you. It will call a time out and tell you it’s had enough. If you’re lucky, it’s something mild, a little bit of time and you are as good as new. If you’re not as lucky, you wind up in a casket. This is one of those issues where I believe, it is not too much to ask, for a job, you enjoy going to, or at least don’t hate. I would also like to be so blessed as to feel as though I am helping someone along the way. Don’t take this the wrong way, I am not about to run out and join the Peace Corps or run for any political office. Those are callings. My phone has not rang. Maybe a job in an HR Department where you help people get what they need. I don’t think that is asking too much.

When that’s all taken care of, I would also like to have the means and the time to follow my interests. Learn some new skills, a language, and an instrument. Maybe even learn to knit properly! Spending time with the people, I love and even the ones I don’t.

Time is a gift we should use wisely. This past year has taught me that lesson. I look at things differently these days. I wish it hadn’t taken all the tragedy. However, if we’re lucky, we learn from our living and move on positively. These were hard lessons learned, and I am still healing from them. Some lessons are ongoing and hopefully, they will turn out beautifully.

So, that’s my ideal life. Not too much to ask, right?




Oh yeah, let's not end on such a serious note. I was surprised with a trip to the happiest place on earth! Even you know who couldn't deny the happiness!



If you want to see the pics, email me, I'll link you!

We Love You Matt. Rest in Peace

We will always miss you.

Fuck you I won't do what they tell me!!

Now playing: Rage Against The Machine - Killing In The Name Of
via FoxyTunes

Harsh I know but it is my little tribute to Rage Against the Machine. More on that later.


First, let's speak of River of Death...

River of Death

So, about two weeks ago, I took the annual family camping trip up north, affectionately named River of Death. No it is not a scary river, it's just that the first couple of years, were...rough...

We have it down now! Right down to food and cold adult beverages. This year I didn't camp or go down the river...don't ask...I'm an indoor girl and that is all I have to say about that. I did miss going down the river. There was family out from back east and it was great to see them. I wish they lived here. So here are a couple of pictures from the trip.

Pictures of the River:

Looking up the river.

This is where we sat waiting for the group to come down the river.

Little C in the water. He was so cute!! I have very cute relatives...

My feet. Why?...have you not seen my blog...although, I don't know why the picture is sideways, it's not sideways on my computer...


Here they came...they were soooooooo tired...me and the cousins...not so much..heh.


Big J and Little C skipping rocks together. J is so good with C. Made my heart all warm and fuzzy. I have great relatives!


At the end of the day, we all go get ice cream. We were really late this time and the nice girls at the store stayed open for us! Yay them!!!

Oh yeah, and we found Big Foot. Large fucker aint he?

Then we went back to the campsite where we bbq'ed tri tip
...mmmmmmmm...tri tip....mmmmmmmmmmm

Ok...Next installment...

ROCK THE BELLS!!!

REPRESENT + RESPECT + RECOGNIZE

Saturday we went to an all day concert at Mc Covey Cove Parking Lot. First let me say, lousy place for a concert. Other than that, IT FUCKING ROCKED!!


We got there in time to see Mos Def, and stayed through Rage. The show was sold out! 40,000 people. Dude, that is A LOT of people...let me tell you! There was one point of the show when Rage came out, and the parking lot bounced in time to the music from all the people jumping. I swear to you, I thought the thing would collapse into the ocean. 40,000 people jumping in unison? Well 39,999, I wasn't jumping...I was looking for an exit, if this thing went south, I was GONE!

Here are some pics, as soon as the videos are uploaded I will post them too:

My view from the ground in between shows. At least I didn't take a picture of the guy peeing into his water bottle. Gross.

The throbbing, writhing crowd en mass.

Um...ya.

Stage shot.

He means you!

He's serious!

RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE, ladies and gentlemen.

Mac says what?!?!

I have had my Mac for what 6 months? Friday I realized it had a mic. Not only that you can talk to it and tell it to do stuff. Like what you ask? Like open programs. Close windows. Tell you a knock knock joke!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Leave it to fucking Apple to program your computer to tell you knock knock jokes! God I love my Mac!!

Last but not least...

My cat has taken to bringing us sticks again. On one hand, I am very glad she is a vegetarian and not bringing me dead rodents, on the other hand, how weird is that? In any case...thanks girlie!

And yes, she always looks that grumpy...even with out the bow...

Motel Camping

This weekend is the annual family camping trip. I will be staying at a low rate motel that has a number in it. It is a lot like camping, there is no room service... *shudder*

So the drive will take about 8 hours...yes I am bringing my laptop. Yes I am bringing movies.

Yes I am taking my iPod and cell phone.Yes I plan on taking some of my other hobbies with me. I am an indoor girl. You know this. I can not live with out my stuff. It will be bad enough there will probably be no internet... I may go into withdrawal. Also, I am not good in a car for long periods of time. 4 or 5 hours and then I get punchy and grumpy.

Anyway, there are extra family members coming out from back east and the south west. That is very cool! I like them...A LOT!

Nic-mother will be staying at my place and watching over the kitties and playing with our ginourmus HDTV (67"). She is in heaven right now!

Well, that's all I got. Have a good week!