What's your sign...

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Atrum Cella , Atrum Vita

I sit trapped inside my darkness. I feel I’m failing at life. In this darkened room, there is comfort. I know where all the furniture is, as I have been here before, multiple times and for long periods. Over there, is the chair of self-doubt. It’s well worn and very, very comfortable. In that corner of the room sits the couch of self-loathing, it’s inviting, and familiar. There is also an ottoman for self-pity. I didn’t pick out this furniture, it came with the life, the room, but it’s well used, unfortunately.

I guess I can’t question how I got here. I arrived via the choices I’ve made, some good, others, not so much. Sadly, I find myself in this place again. I hope, no I guess I plead with the powers that be that I have not screwed things up too badly, that there is a way out. Someone told me, this is only temporary. Even so, things fracture and break under stress no matter how temporary it may be. The stress just has to be long or hard enough.

I believe I’m pushing things to the point of fracture. I am holding on by bloody fingers, trying to alleviate as much pressure as I can, but it may be the wrong action. If someone could have been kind enough to give me the menu of options when I got started, it would have made things a lot simpler. I guess none of us gets that. Some are just better than others are at planning.

Is there a point to this? No, I suppose not, just thoughts that are running through my head. I figured that if I got them on paper, they would leave me alone. Time will tell I presume.

I welcome sleep. I wish for a deep, dreamless sleep. Maybe in the morning, when things are new, a window will open in my room, my life, and I will see the path out. Funny how I know were all the furniture is but not the door.


Krissie said...

You and me both, dear, you and me both...

Mama Bear said...

Oh, Nic, my heart hurts to read this, especially because I'm so solution-oriented and I know that your darkness can only be illuminated by you and a greater power.

That being said, going with your Latin theme, here's my unsolicited advice...in Latin, of course:

Iam est vicis pro votum.

Looking at the brighter side of things, this is some of the best writing I've read from you...it's hauntingly beautiful. You may think you're stagnant, but your writing proves otherwise.

nicbeast said...

Kris *nods* I knew you'd feel me.

Mama Bear

Some one has helped me to understand I have more than one muse. I guess deep down I knew that. My dark muse I don't let out much. She scares people. They look at me like I need help or like I need to be committed or medicated or something. I let her out and that is what she had to say. I don't let her out because she is too good, and manipulative and easy to let stay. She is not good for me.

I also learned, while my characters are in control of the story, I am in control of my muse(s). I am learning how to do that.

Thanks for your kind words. They are appreciated more than you know...