What's your sign...

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Blue states ask for a divorce

Dear Red States:

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes California , Hawaii , Oregon , Washington , Minnesota , Wisconsin , Michigan , Illinois and all the Northeast. It may even include Florida and Ohio , they are seriously considering it. We've given them until Nov. 4th to decide. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country. Since we're dropping the middle states we're calling it United America, or simply the U.A.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas , Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. You can take Ted Nugent. We're keeping Bruce Springsteen and Billy Joel. You get WorldCom. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get Ole' Miss. We get Harvard and 85 percent of America 's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama . We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms, and the highest concentration of pregnant unwed teenagers. Please be aware that the U.A. will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq , and hope that the WMDs turn up, really we do, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire. We'd rather spend it on taking care of sick people, and educating our children.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines, 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite , thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy Redies believe you are people with higher morals then we Bluies..

Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico .

Peace out,

Blue States

Thanks Nic-Dad! Bahahahahahahahahahaha! ;-)


Alec said...

Explaining Socialism- for those of you who don't understand what "spreading the wealth around" means.

It's Halloween and you go out with your friends and trick-or-treat for hours- knocking on doors in the dark and the cold, collecting all your candy goodies.

When you get home, cold, tired and hungry you begin to sort through your hard earned Halloween treats and then- "THEY" step in and say "Stop! You must give US half of your candy (since you have SO MUCH)- so that WE can give it to the children who were too lazy to buy or make a Halloween costume and exert the effort to go out into the dark and cold- to get THEIR SHARE."

THAT, People, is what Socialism is about.

McCain-Palin 2008
Don't let the media, polls, pundits or long lines discourage you!
VOTE McCain Palin 2008!

nicbeast said...

Alec , wow dude. It's called a sense of humor. They're nice. You should get one!!

Anonymous said...

I must correct you, republicans have a sense of humor. They nominated Palin.

sci said...

Oooooooooo politics booooooo, do i get candy now?

Krissie said...

I don't like this Alec person.

But I like how the divorce would go. Hopefully, my room is in the Blue States, yes? LOL

Anonymous said...

Alec, I suppose your simple mind cannot understand that there is a socialist country that functions. Dare I say it is a country that functions better than the US? I guess I dare.
Or maybe you just like to forget that well known fact?

Sweden, honey, is an example of a country that was led by social-democrats not long ago.

However, since the right wing took over, the situation has changed and not for the better. *sad face*

Go on, read, Alec, try to educate yourself. Things aren't as simple as you try to show them in that pathetic, uneducated comment of yours.

Kthanxmwah (--->so Alec can understand)

nicbeast said...

ooooooooo...alec got schooled!

LadyN said...

"so that WE can give it to the children who were too lazy to buy or make a Halloween costume."

Seriously? Seriously?!

Beige said...

P.S. Great piece, Nicbeast.

When the divorce goes thru I might reconsidering getting a citizenship.

Beige said...

Alec, get a passport. Use it. Ignorance is ugly, and I bet so are you...

Ignorance makes people laugh at you. That's why Palin doesn't need Tina Fey to be funny.

Too lazy to buy or make a Halloween costume?

Saying that everybody less fortunate is too lazy or unwilling is the classic excuse the wealthy use to hang on to their privileges. A little sharing hurts the rich far less than the average earners.

nicbeast said...

America has spoken!