Atrum Cella , Atrum Vita

I sit trapped inside my darkness. I feel I’m failing at life. In this darkened room, there is comfort. I know where all the furniture is, as I have been here before, multiple times and for long periods. Over there, is the chair of self-doubt. It’s well worn and very, very comfortable. In that corner of the room sits the couch of self-loathing, it’s inviting, and familiar. There is also an ottoman for self-pity. I didn’t pick out this furniture, it came with the life, the room, but it’s well used, unfortunately.

I guess I can’t question how I got here. I arrived via the choices I’ve made, some good, others, not so much. Sadly, I find myself in this place again. I hope, no I guess I plead with the powers that be that I have not screwed things up too badly, that there is a way out. Someone told me, this is only temporary. Even so, things fracture and break under stress no matter how temporary it may be. The stress just has to be long or hard enough.

I believe I’m pushing things to the point of fracture. I am holding on by bloody fingers, trying to alleviate as much pressure as I can, but it may be the wrong action. If someone could have been kind enough to give me the menu of options when I got started, it would have made things a lot simpler. I guess none of us gets that. Some are just better than others are at planning.

Is there a point to this? No, I suppose not, just thoughts that are running through my head. I figured that if I got them on paper, they would leave me alone. Time will tell I presume.

I welcome sleep. I wish for a deep, dreamless sleep. Maybe in the morning, when things are new, a window will open in my room, my life, and I will see the path out. Funny how I know were all the furniture is but not the door.

Out of the Dark

Hello. I know I haven't had much to say in a while. Well that isn't even true. I have, but I just...haven't. Lazy maybe. Well that's not true either. I know why, I just won't say it here. So, what's been going on...

I've had a bad day that has lasted weeks. Some good has come out of it though. I have learned a couple of lessons that I will share with you.

This is temporary. Whatever you are in the middle of, is temporary. Although you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, rest assured there is one. The feelings you are having about the situation, are normal. For those of us with control issues, (don't look at me like that, you know you have them too), control is an illusion. Granted it is my illusion that I created and live in...happily, but when it comes down to it, I really have very little control, and that is ok too. I can't make people do what I want. I can't make people not be sick and dying, I can only do what I can to do what is right for me and make sure I can live with my self so I can sleep at night.

Another lesson I learned while sitting on Larchmont where I suppose Went heard I was, and fled into hiding, was, an understanding of people who just pick up and leave their lives. They get up one day, call "uncle" and bolt. This is not a split decision as far as I can understand. This is a lot of time, pressure and heartache that one day is too much for them. I sat on the bench watching people walk about, and looked at the businesses across the street



and thought, Hmmmm, that pizza place down the way is looking for help. I'm pretty sure I am bright enough to ask people if they would like a salad and a drink. No, don't panic. I didn't just walk away from my life. I came home. But I did gain that understanding of why people feel the need to flee.

Now a break from the lesson and a few words of thanks!

To the Church Girls who made my stay so wonderful, Thank you. That trip could have sent me spiraling into God knows what, and you were the light in that tunnel for me, those few days. But, girls, all that food! DAMN! *giggle*

And to my writer friend, sorry we couldn't get that candy bar together. Maybe next time. *crossing fingers* You are thought of fondly and cared for. Thanks for the ear and smiles.

My real life friends and family, my rock and pillar, I know I've been elusive, but thank you for giving me understanding and space. It is appreciated and will not be forgotten.

Lastly, to my online friends from the writing sites, and WFW's blog, thank you for all your kind words, encouragement, emails and calls. I am so blessed to have found such a wonderful bunch of people as you. I know I have been distant, but I will be back, witty, dirty, and sarcastic as ever. Just you watch. You will begin to long for those days of peace. ;-)

Back to the regularly scheduled lessons:

I think the last lesson I have learned, I am not even sure I can explain. Years ago, I watched some made for TV movie. The woman had a profound loss, and she told her best friend what she really wanted was to be made love to. I didn't get it. How could you want that after the loss you just experienced? I get it now. Yeah. I do. I can't explain it, but I do.


In other news...


Some good things happened in between. We went to the U.S.A. vs. China Soccer game. We won. It was a good time.

Here I am, having a good time....

I also went to a birthday party where I made mac and cheese for 25. It was yummy and people liked it. I was relieved. Well, here is a picture of one of the 3 pans of pasta...
And here I am with the birthday girl...love the shoes, love the hat...


Another thing...The Salmon Reunion show is coming up.... you should go...I am. Which reminds me, I need to get into mosh pit shape! Woo hoo!

Here is the myspace page:

http://www.myspace.com/salmon

It will tell you how to get tickets. There is a video below. I don't know who shot it, but...cool.

SALMON "DOME"

Add to My Profile | More Videos

Her name is Rio, but you can call me Nicbeast

So I figured it Krissie could do it...so could I. Although Krissie seems to be wavering...(evil glare at Kris!)

What am I blathering on about? Getting a Brazilian. I have been thinking about it for months. But I am such a chicken shit I haven't done anything about it. So, the umpteenth time, while I was getting my brows waxed, I had the conversation again.

"So I know I ask you this every time I come in here, but I am gonna ask you again." I say.
"What about my hair? she jokes.
"NO! I don't worry about your hair! About the Brazilian."
"What do you want to know?" She rips off some wax. Big ouch!
"I'm thinking again about doing it."
"Suck it up, Pup. Do it." She said plucking with tweezers. Little ouch.
"But..."
"Do it." she said simply. Pluck.
"But the pain."
"I have a new cream. We will get it for you when you go. We will also book the apointment when we schedule your brows, too."
"Maybe I should wait to schedule the appointment."
More ripping of wax. "No. We'll do it now, and I will get you the 'No-Scream Cream'." (no kidding that is what it is called! hahahahhhhahahahahaha)
"Well how much is it?" figuring if it was too much I had my out.
"$45.00." she says searching for strays.
"Damn, I can't even say it's too expensive." I sigh heavily.

She finishes my brows and we go out to the front counter. The woman who owns the salon comes out from a back room somewhere, "Is that Nicbeast?" (no she actually said my real name)
"Yes it is."
She looked at me long and hard, then looked to my girl. My girls says, "Guess what Nicbeast is gonna get?"
"A Brazilian?" it wasn't really a question.
"Yep."
"How did you know?" I ask, "Was it the look of complete fear and horror on my face?"
"Yes. Exactly."
I look to the other two girls behind the counter about to say, "Never mind. I'm not ready!" but they have seen this look before and immediately begin reassuring me it will be ok.

So the appointment is booked. Please note the countdown clock. If you are not sure what a Brazilian is, click here for explanation. As there are no pictures, I will post one. Please scroll down.





















What, you thought I would put an ACTUAL picture? Geeze! You don't know me at all! While this picture is probably more accurately a Hollywood Wax, where they take off, all the hair, I will be leaving the "Landing Strip" (God that cracks me up every time!)

All I know is SOMEONE had better appreciate what I will go through for this...

Wentworth, how about you, baby? Would you like to appreciate me? Just kidding...not really.

You knew I couldn't resist the pun in this.

Show Me How to Live

In with the early dawn
Moving right along
I couldn’t buy an eye full of sleep
And in the aching night
Under satellites
I was not received
built with the stolen parts
A telephone in my heart
Someone get me a priest
To put my mind to bed
This ringing in my head
Is this a cure or is this a disease

Nail in my hand
From my creator
You gave me life now
Show me how to live
Nail in my hand
From my creator
You gave me life now
Show me how to live

In the afterbirth
On the quiet earth
Let this things remind you
You thought you made a man
You better think again
Before my role defines you

Nail in my hand
From my creator
You gave me a life
Now show me how to live
Nail in my hand
From my creator
You gave me life now
Show me how to live

And in your waiting hands
I will land
And roll out of my skin
And in your final hours I will stand
Ready to begin
Ready to begin
Ready to begin
Ready to begin

Nail in my hand
From my creator
You gave me life now
Show me how to live
Nail in my hand
From my creator
You gave me life now
Show me how to live
Show me how to live
Show me how to live
Show me how to live
Show me how to live!

Long Time No Post

Ok.

First and foremost:

HAPPY 35TH BIRTHDAY
WENTWORTH MILLER!!

I truly hope you get all your heart's desires and more. And if that just so happens to include me, then so be it. I'm there for ya, babe!

Next, well, there is a lot to say but I am too tired to say it. So let it suffice that I will be writing a better post than this. I just wanted to put SOMETHING down. So here is a breif synopsis.

Visit to the Hobbits
Craziness at work
Craziness at home
Going away party
Soccer Game
Tentative Hospital visit
Homemade Mac and Cheese for 25 people this Saturday.

Talk amongst yourselves...