What's your sign...

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Out of the Dark

Hello. I know I haven't had much to say in a while. Well that isn't even true. I have, but I just...haven't. Lazy maybe. Well that's not true either. I know why, I just won't say it here. So, what's been going on...

I've had a bad day that has lasted weeks. Some good has come out of it though. I have learned a couple of lessons that I will share with you.

This is temporary. Whatever you are in the middle of, is temporary. Although you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, rest assured there is one. The feelings you are having about the situation, are normal. For those of us with control issues, (don't look at me like that, you know you have them too), control is an illusion. Granted it is my illusion that I created and live in...happily, but when it comes down to it, I really have very little control, and that is ok too. I can't make people do what I want. I can't make people not be sick and dying, I can only do what I can to do what is right for me and make sure I can live with my self so I can sleep at night.

Another lesson I learned while sitting on Larchmont where I suppose Went heard I was, and fled into hiding, was, an understanding of people who just pick up and leave their lives. They get up one day, call "uncle" and bolt. This is not a split decision as far as I can understand. This is a lot of time, pressure and heartache that one day is too much for them. I sat on the bench watching people walk about, and looked at the businesses across the street

and thought, Hmmmm, that pizza place down the way is looking for help. I'm pretty sure I am bright enough to ask people if they would like a salad and a drink. No, don't panic. I didn't just walk away from my life. I came home. But I did gain that understanding of why people feel the need to flee.

Now a break from the lesson and a few words of thanks!

To the Church Girls who made my stay so wonderful, Thank you. That trip could have sent me spiraling into God knows what, and you were the light in that tunnel for me, those few days. But, girls, all that food! DAMN! *giggle*

And to my writer friend, sorry we couldn't get that candy bar together. Maybe next time. *crossing fingers* You are thought of fondly and cared for. Thanks for the ear and smiles.

My real life friends and family, my rock and pillar, I know I've been elusive, but thank you for giving me understanding and space. It is appreciated and will not be forgotten.

Lastly, to my online friends from the writing sites, and WFW's blog, thank you for all your kind words, encouragement, emails and calls. I am so blessed to have found such a wonderful bunch of people as you. I know I have been distant, but I will be back, witty, dirty, and sarcastic as ever. Just you watch. You will begin to long for those days of peace. ;-)

Back to the regularly scheduled lessons:

I think the last lesson I have learned, I am not even sure I can explain. Years ago, I watched some made for TV movie. The woman had a profound loss, and she told her best friend what she really wanted was to be made love to. I didn't get it. How could you want that after the loss you just experienced? I get it now. Yeah. I do. I can't explain it, but I do.

In other news...

Some good things happened in between. We went to the U.S.A. vs. China Soccer game. We won. It was a good time.

Here I am, having a good time....

I also went to a birthday party where I made mac and cheese for 25. It was yummy and people liked it. I was relieved. Well, here is a picture of one of the 3 pans of pasta...
And here I am with the birthday girl...love the shoes, love the hat...

Another thing...The Salmon Reunion show is coming up.... you should go...I am. Which reminds me, I need to get into mosh pit shape! Woo hoo!

Here is the myspace page:


It will tell you how to get tickets. There is a video below. I don't know who shot it, but...cool.


Add to My Profile | More Videos


Krissie said...

So... I'm confused.
Are you feeling better?
And you know we'll have you either way, witty and dirty or whatever you may be feeling. Any time.

Anonymous said...

Why do those lessons sound so familiar?
Anyway, the magical trick is not to KNOW those lessons, but to ACCEPT them and live accordingly. Given the time, you will get there. If ever you want to IM and talk about it, you can find me on MSN with the e-mail address with my real name in it.


nicbeast said...

Kirs I am getting better. Not necessarily feeling better but I have my moments. Thank you for saying you will take me cracks, flaws and all. It is appreciated.

Bel I think they are lessons we must all come to learn on our own time. My time is now. I hope I pass. It's hard and painful accepting truths about yourself. Thank you for your kind words. I will take you up on it. If we are ever awake at the same time again! LOL!

AJ said...

I'm glad you're at least feeling a little bit better, Nicky.

Sorry to get all philosophical and shit, but the way I see it, living life is like being in school. At our age, we're in the "high school" stage of life. And like it or not, there are tests... many of them... some harder than others. But thank God, we've got friends and mentors (classmates and teachers) to help us get through to the next grade.

As we graduate to a higher level of learning, the "classmates" change, as do the "teachers." So, it's important for us to teach and learn as much from each other as we can, while we can. I believe that the people in our lives right now, at this very moment, are there for a reason. Some may be around for years, some for weeks. But they're all equally important, and there is knowledge to be gained from all of them, not to mention, lessons to be learned.

What you're going through right now is just a test. And although you may not be sure of it yet, I'M sure you'll pass with flying colors. Try not to stress yourself out about it. After all, these tests ARE open-book, as long as you've got the right resources.

Anyhow, sorry for the rambling. I hope you're back to feeling 100% better soon! Can't wait to see what "college" brings. I hear those are the years to look forward to. ;)

nicbeast said...

Thanks AJ. Your encouragement means a lot! I have mostly been a good student. I am trying to be optimistic that I will pass with flying colours.

Mama Bear said...

Even though you missed seeing Went and "The Gent," I suspected you found something even more profound in LA LA Land.

Nic, you are so much stronger than you know. No matter what you're going through right now, it's all happening for a reason - I know this because I've been through your valley before. When I was in my deepest despair caused by stresses at work, I wrote this poem:


May you see through rose-hued lenses even through the deepest mire.

May you always play your cards right in the midst of scorching fire.

May you stop to smell the sweetness of every single day.

May you take the time for quiet and close your eyes to pray.

May you live each day to smile and take in joy amassed.

May you go home every evening knowing everything's surpassed.

Just remember, Nic, this too will pass...