Atrum Cella , Atrum Vita

I sit trapped inside my darkness. I feel I’m failing at life. In this darkened room, there is comfort. I know where all the furniture is, as I have been here before, multiple times and for long periods. Over there, is the chair of self-doubt. It’s well worn and very, very comfortable. In that corner of the room sits the couch of self-loathing, it’s inviting, and familiar. There is also an ottoman for self-pity. I didn’t pick out this furniture, it came with the life, the room, but it’s well used, unfortunately.

I guess I can’t question how I got here. I arrived via the choices I’ve made, some good, others, not so much. Sadly, I find myself in this place again. I hope, no I guess I plead with the powers that be that I have not screwed things up too badly, that there is a way out. Someone told me, this is only temporary. Even so, things fracture and break under stress no matter how temporary it may be. The stress just has to be long or hard enough.

I believe I’m pushing things to the point of fracture. I am holding on by bloody fingers, trying to alleviate as much pressure as I can, but it may be the wrong action. If someone could have been kind enough to give me the menu of options when I got started, it would have made things a lot simpler. I guess none of us gets that. Some are just better than others are at planning.

Is there a point to this? No, I suppose not, just thoughts that are running through my head. I figured that if I got them on paper, they would leave me alone. Time will tell I presume.

I welcome sleep. I wish for a deep, dreamless sleep. Maybe in the morning, when things are new, a window will open in my room, my life, and I will see the path out. Funny how I know were all the furniture is but not the door.

Out of the Dark

Hello. I know I haven't had much to say in a while. Well that isn't even true. I have, but I just...haven't. Lazy maybe. Well that's not true either. I know why, I just won't say it here. So, what's been going on...

I've had a bad day that has lasted weeks. Some good has come out of it though. I have learned a couple of lessons that I will share with you.

This is temporary. Whatever you are in the middle of, is temporary. Although you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, rest assured there is one. The feelings you are having about the situation, are normal. For those of us with control issues, (don't look at me like that, you know you have them too), control is an illusion. Granted it is my illusion that I created and live in...happily, but when it comes down to it, I really have very little control, and that is ok too. I can't make people do what I want. I can't make people not be sick and dying, I can only do what I can to do what is right for me and make sure I can live with my self so I can sleep at night.

Another lesson I learned while sitting on Larchmont where I suppose Went heard I was, and fled into hiding, was, an understanding of people who just pick up and leave their lives. They get up one day, call "uncle" and bolt. This is not a split decision as far as I can understand. This is a lot of time, pressure and heartache that one day is too much for them. I sat on the bench watching people walk about, and looked at the businesses across the street



and thought, Hmmmm, that pizza place down the way is looking for help. I'm pretty sure I am bright enough to ask people if they would like a salad and a drink. No, don't panic. I didn't just walk away from my life. I came home. But I did gain that understanding of why people feel the need to flee.

Now a break from the lesson and a few words of thanks!

To the Church Girls who made my stay so wonderful, Thank you. That trip could have sent me spiraling into God knows what, and you were the light in that tunnel for me, those few days. But, girls, all that food! DAMN! *giggle*

And to my writer friend, sorry we couldn't get that candy bar together. Maybe next time. *crossing fingers* You are thought of fondly and cared for. Thanks for the ear and smiles.

My real life friends and family, my rock and pillar, I know I've been elusive, but thank you for giving me understanding and space. It is appreciated and will not be forgotten.

Lastly, to my online friends from the writing sites, and WFW's blog, thank you for all your kind words, encouragement, emails and calls. I am so blessed to have found such a wonderful bunch of people as you. I know I have been distant, but I will be back, witty, dirty, and sarcastic as ever. Just you watch. You will begin to long for those days of peace. ;-)

Back to the regularly scheduled lessons:

I think the last lesson I have learned, I am not even sure I can explain. Years ago, I watched some made for TV movie. The woman had a profound loss, and she told her best friend what she really wanted was to be made love to. I didn't get it. How could you want that after the loss you just experienced? I get it now. Yeah. I do. I can't explain it, but I do.


In other news...


Some good things happened in between. We went to the U.S.A. vs. China Soccer game. We won. It was a good time.

Here I am, having a good time....

I also went to a birthday party where I made mac and cheese for 25. It was yummy and people liked it. I was relieved. Well, here is a picture of one of the 3 pans of pasta...
And here I am with the birthday girl...love the shoes, love the hat...


Another thing...The Salmon Reunion show is coming up.... you should go...I am. Which reminds me, I need to get into mosh pit shape! Woo hoo!

Here is the myspace page:

http://www.myspace.com/salmon

It will tell you how to get tickets. There is a video below. I don't know who shot it, but...cool.

SALMON "DOME"

Add to My Profile | More Videos

Her name is Rio, but you can call me Nicbeast

So I figured it Krissie could do it...so could I. Although Krissie seems to be wavering...(evil glare at Kris!)

What am I blathering on about? Getting a Brazilian. I have been thinking about it for months. But I am such a chicken shit I haven't done anything about it. So, the umpteenth time, while I was getting my brows waxed, I had the conversation again.

"So I know I ask you this every time I come in here, but I am gonna ask you again." I say.
"What about my hair? she jokes.
"NO! I don't worry about your hair! About the Brazilian."
"What do you want to know?" She rips off some wax. Big ouch!
"I'm thinking again about doing it."
"Suck it up, Pup. Do it." She said plucking with tweezers. Little ouch.
"But..."
"Do it." she said simply. Pluck.
"But the pain."
"I have a new cream. We will get it for you when you go. We will also book the apointment when we schedule your brows, too."
"Maybe I should wait to schedule the appointment."
More ripping of wax. "No. We'll do it now, and I will get you the 'No-Scream Cream'." (no kidding that is what it is called! hahahahhhhahahahahaha)
"Well how much is it?" figuring if it was too much I had my out.
"$45.00." she says searching for strays.
"Damn, I can't even say it's too expensive." I sigh heavily.

She finishes my brows and we go out to the front counter. The woman who owns the salon comes out from a back room somewhere, "Is that Nicbeast?" (no she actually said my real name)
"Yes it is."
She looked at me long and hard, then looked to my girl. My girls says, "Guess what Nicbeast is gonna get?"
"A Brazilian?" it wasn't really a question.
"Yep."
"How did you know?" I ask, "Was it the look of complete fear and horror on my face?"
"Yes. Exactly."
I look to the other two girls behind the counter about to say, "Never mind. I'm not ready!" but they have seen this look before and immediately begin reassuring me it will be ok.

So the appointment is booked. Please note the countdown clock. If you are not sure what a Brazilian is, click here for explanation. As there are no pictures, I will post one. Please scroll down.





















What, you thought I would put an ACTUAL picture? Geeze! You don't know me at all! While this picture is probably more accurately a Hollywood Wax, where they take off, all the hair, I will be leaving the "Landing Strip" (God that cracks me up every time!)

All I know is SOMEONE had better appreciate what I will go through for this...

Wentworth, how about you, baby? Would you like to appreciate me? Just kidding...not really.

You knew I couldn't resist the pun in this.

Show Me How to Live

In with the early dawn
Moving right along
I couldn’t buy an eye full of sleep
And in the aching night
Under satellites
I was not received
built with the stolen parts
A telephone in my heart
Someone get me a priest
To put my mind to bed
This ringing in my head
Is this a cure or is this a disease

Nail in my hand
From my creator
You gave me life now
Show me how to live
Nail in my hand
From my creator
You gave me life now
Show me how to live

In the afterbirth
On the quiet earth
Let this things remind you
You thought you made a man
You better think again
Before my role defines you

Nail in my hand
From my creator
You gave me a life
Now show me how to live
Nail in my hand
From my creator
You gave me life now
Show me how to live

And in your waiting hands
I will land
And roll out of my skin
And in your final hours I will stand
Ready to begin
Ready to begin
Ready to begin
Ready to begin

Nail in my hand
From my creator
You gave me life now
Show me how to live
Nail in my hand
From my creator
You gave me life now
Show me how to live
Show me how to live
Show me how to live
Show me how to live
Show me how to live!

Long Time No Post

Ok.

First and foremost:

HAPPY 35TH BIRTHDAY
WENTWORTH MILLER!!

I truly hope you get all your heart's desires and more. And if that just so happens to include me, then so be it. I'm there for ya, babe!

Next, well, there is a lot to say but I am too tired to say it. So let it suffice that I will be writing a better post than this. I just wanted to put SOMETHING down. So here is a breif synopsis.

Visit to the Hobbits
Craziness at work
Craziness at home
Going away party
Soccer Game
Tentative Hospital visit
Homemade Mac and Cheese for 25 people this Saturday.

Talk amongst yourselves...

It Had to be You

Thursday was D-Day! Well actually, it was H-day! Harry Connick, Jr. Day. Now anyone who knows me, knows I love me some Harry! He actually has the capacity to make me swoon. No joke.

(Sorry Went, if you showed up more often and maybe sang here in the USA…I might dub you swoon worthy too. (anyone else catch the pun heh heh) But you know you are still my number one, baby. Right?)

I ran out of work, changed into some boobalicious clothes,because, since someone else we know didn’t show, why let a good top and jeans go to waste.

Once in The City, dinner is had at In-n-Out Burger. (Please don’t think the irony of that is missed on me) For dessert, God help me, get this, I am looking at Krispy Kreme, right next door. (Irony not lost here either) I tell you, what more does a girl need, other than some people to show up…

Parking is a snap! How often can you say that about San Francisco? We park next to a guy who smiles broadly, and I think, I love the city, and what a nice sweater he is wearing! Men don’t wear enough sweaters in my opinion.

Ok, leaving the parking lot, sweater boy is in front of us with who? Sweater boy, boyfriend! Suddenly it is all clear. Yes, of course the gay man knows how to rock the sweater! (BTW, still in the market to be a hag)

At the Davies Hall, tickets are taken, seats are found and the place is AMAZING! Seriously! It was gorgeous! And probably a sound engineers dream!

So looking around at all the other people, who do I see walking up the isle. No, not Went. Remember, he doesn’t show. Ex Mayor of San Francisco, Willie Brown! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA! I think this is hilarious! What’s more he is only 5 rows ahead of me. Yes I had some great tickets!

The lights dim and Harry’s band comes out.

Band

• Vocals, piano: Harry Connick, Jr.
• Trombone: Lucien Barbarin, Joe Barati
• Trumpet: Derrick Gardner, Mark Braud, Roger Ingram, Leroy Jones
• Bass: Neal Caine
• Alto saxophone: Charles Goold
• Baritone saxophone: David Schumacher
• Tenor saxophone: Jerry Weldon
• Drums: Arthur Latin
• Jeff Bush, Dion Tucker

The run through some songs with out him. They are amazing musicians. I can’t say enough about them. AMAZING!

Harry finally comes out, he had on this beautiful gray suit and black and grey silk tie. I managed to keep from throwing my panties at him. He plays piano a little, sings a little and makes me swoon a little. I COULD NOT wipe the stupid grin off my face.

He finishes singing and takes a moment to point out there are four empty seats in the front row, and if the occupants didn’t show in 10 minutes, he was going to give their seats to someone in the balcony. I myself, would be happy to sit in the corner of the stage on the floor. Maybe next time. I know, I know, you have your fantasies, I have mine.

More songs are sung and the occupants finally show. Bastards. So he sings a few more songs and it is time to introduce the band. While introducing the band, he uses the bastards in the front row as comic relief and picks on them the whole time. * wailing, shaking fist at sky WHY OH WHY COULDN’T IT HAVE BEEN ME * He also introduces himself as Chris Issac. Silly boy. Chris wishes…

Anyway, watching the amazing show and I happen to notice that my shirt is opening and the girls are starting to try to make their way out. Can’t blame them really, don’t you want to get closer to Harry?

Watching him play I am struck by his amazing sense of rhythm, which I happen to believe you need more of for jazz so kooky. Ok girls did you hear me? AMAZING RHYTHM. (Please see earlier In-n-Out and Kreme reference) *Swoon* I also notice his tie is missing. When did he take that off and I missed it?

Now let me say this, I am not really a big “Jazz” fan. I am a Harry fan. For jazz, I am not inclined to just sit around and listen to it or put it on in my car, I need to watch jazz. It is very visual for me. Watching it, I can appreciate more, the beauty in the dissonance. I really do understand why people have a hard time with it. This was of course, more melodic than a lot so I think anyone interested would have had a good time.

At one point he brought out a couple of “Pinch Hitter” from New Orleans, a trombone and trumpet player. They were crazy good! Sorry I can't remember their names.

In the middle of various of his musicians playing solos, Harry has full on conversations with his band members. What?! It is so odd. What are they talking about? What is that crucial? And more importantly, why am I left out? * wailing again *

So, what is better than playing and singing Harry? Stripping Harry! He starts to take off his suit jacket! I almost die. I am having palpitations! Rolls up his sleeves of his shirt and starts to do what? DANCE! Singing, stripping dancing Harry! I am in hysterics! I am laughing so hard I can’t breathe and tears are running down my very sore cheeks. Then the two pinch hitters put down their horns, they all turn their backs to us and start to shake their booties, sideways across the stage!

*is dead *

My poor heart can’t take it. When I am finally brought back to life they are taking their bow and leaving the stage. What? It’s over? NO! This should be intermission! I look at my watch, it’s been TWO HOURS?!?!?!?!!! This was the shortest two hours ever!

He comes back for one last encore. “It Had to be You.” Thanks Harry! I would have like to have posed the video for it, but apparently, it has gone into hiding. So, instead, I will post my favorite Harry song.

Whispered Your Name.

Harry also asked we help with the devastation in New Orleans. I am doing my part to spread the word.

WENTWORTH MILLER DOESN'T EXIST!!!!

Breaking News!

Wentworth Miller, star of Fox's hit show Prison Break, doesn't exist!
I repeat,
Wentworth Miller, star of Fox's hit show Prison Break, doesn't exist!

Sources deep inside Fox reveal he is Computer Generated!

This explains why he never shows up and is SO FREAKING HOT!! Damn you Fox! Damn you to hell!!! (Must be one of Lucas' side projects. I wondered what he was doing over there at ILM these days )

It's the age old question is posed once again...



So...again...he didn't show, and Amaury Nolasco did...mmmm....Amaury... Sorry, I digress...

Wentworth, why do you do this? YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!

You have so many fans and all we want is the opportunity to share our appreciation for you obvious gifts. Why do you shun us? You had the opportunity to meet some of the most wonderful people I have ever had the honour of knowing

Thanks to WFW for the Paley Pic.

and you disregarded it with out so much as an apology...you must feel bad about that



Our hearts and spirits are broken.
OK, that was a bit melodramatic but you get the point...but I meant every word about the wonderful people though.


*Shaking head at Wentworth* What am I gonna do with you? If I have to tie you up and beat you, I WILL young man!!

Mmmmm...tied up Went.....

I'm also pretty good with handcuffs and chains, too...

I may need a moment...

OK, focus...back to the rant at hand...

So pack that goofy suitcase of yours, grab your backpack and come see us.
I promise! You will have a good time, and we promise not to make you do this: